Quick Chiddush: Using "YES" instead of "No"

I wrote a post a while ago about the power of using the word "yes" instead of "no" with our children. I was discussing this with my wife the other day, and would like to add another insight...

When we speak to our children we are creating some kind of reality for them, whether we are aware of it or not. The child is born to us at a state that he knows nothing and is looking to us to teach him EVERYTHING about life. Meanwhile for us, speech has became second-nature, habit, something which involves at times no thought what so ever. We must be aware of this and constantly keep our minds awake, to create positivity and not let auto pilot take over. When using negative words with them we CREATE a negative reality for them.

An example from our home- when my daughter uses inappropriate, and aggressive ways to achieve something by speaking to us rudely, we tell her, "this is NOT how we speak in this home. With this tone and method you cannot gain anything." We are now trying to work on answering like this- "In this home, when we want something from the others, we use a polite and calm voice, like daddy is using now you see?" This gives them an EXAMPLE. This is very important and is overlooked many times. We must remind ourselves that they do not know how to react, and if we just tell them what not to do, then how will they improve next time!? 

By showing a positive example we gain two things, :)
A) showing them an example they see with their own eyes of what is expected of them
B) telling them what to do therefor instructing them for next time

By telling them negatively we loose two things, :(

A) wasting an opportunity to show them an example of the proper behavior

B) not telling them what to do, so they actually don't know how to act, just what NOT TO DO!

The Torah tells us that the world was created by speech! Hashem created the world with ten statements. We also say everyday in Shararis "Baruch SheAmar Vehaya HaOlam": "blessed is the one who said and the world was created". We see that the world was created through speech. And as we were created in His image, and try to emulate Hashem we should also realize that our speech has great impact and is also creating. This is most likely why it is said about the ARI ZL that he seldom spoke, only on Shabbos, and only in Lashon Hakodesh. We must realize the power and effect our speech has on our children!

Conclusion: With every action and word, we are teaching our little ones and creating their world forever, therefor we should attempt to be positive and teach them with positive examples. 

Parashat HaShavua: The Spies of Eretz Israel

In Parashat Shlach Lecha, Hashem tells Moshe to send scouts to Eretz Israel. The nation of Israel reaches the "border" of Eretz Israel, their promised land, and they are commanded to first send 12 scouts in order to plan their conquering of the land.The Torah describes the spies as all being "Anshei Shem" or highly regarded people. Moshe sends them because they are qualified to do such a job, to aid the conquering of the Land of Israel. When the spies return, all but 2 of them fill the nation with fear and doubts about conquering the land. For this they are greatly punished as well as all people who believe them. The question is what is their sin and how can we learn from this?

What the spies most likely forgot, or lost track of is that their whole trip from Egypt was filled with Heavenly guidance and that everything which Hashem commanded or decreed happened thus far. The mission of the spies was to use the knowledge they had, and the faith in Hashem and to conquer the Land of Israel. Instead they allowed their fear to take over them and forgot to have faith. They saw large cities and giant people and were afraid of what the future would hold for them. As a result the future of the spies turned out pretty close to what their fears predicted. They forgot that the only way to better the world and to take control of something for the better is with faith in Hashem. If we only look at the facts, and leave no place for faith, then the world looks like a scary place. A place which is unconquerable, and a place of no hope.

The same things apply with the raising of children. At times there seem to be endless obstacles, which seem like what the spies saw in there tour of Eretz Israel. At times to me, there seems to be no right answer for how to raise my children as G-d fearing Jews. There is no place that can guarantee that they will turn out as frum, or observant jews. There is no institution which can produce good people from out kids. We cannot simply send them out to the "right" kindergarten, or school and know that everything will be alright. Sometimes the teachers and great but the classmates are not so good, or visa versa. At times, I find myself engulfed in the same fears of the spies. Being a father to relatively young children, I feel like this is the crucial time to instill fear of heaven in them. I look around and see the the environment is not perfect. I find myself very focused on the things that our community is lacking. Whether it is in the US or in Eretz Israel, there seems to be no right place with all the right answers. As parents we want our kids to turn out "right" more than anything else.

The parasha of the spies has cause me to realize that the truth is maybe a little different than my fears. The most important thing is to have faith in Hashem and our children. Also we must know that if we put in the effort, our values and beliefs can out-way any negatives in the outside. Living in the feeling of faith and Emunah is rewarding by itself. It allows for an environment of calm and positive upbringing for the children. It also shows our children not to be afraid of obstacles. Hashem "gave" us our children because we are capable of raising them according to the Torah. We were not given any tasks which cannot be completed. This must be a reminder to us always to know that no matter how the situation looks from the outside, with inner Emunah we can conquer the Land of Israel, and the raising of our children.

May we be blessed to see ourselves and all our children as scouts and not spies!