Quick Chiddush: Using "YES" instead of "No"

I wrote a post a while ago about the power of using the word "yes" instead of "no" with our children. I was discussing this with my wife the other day, and would like to add another insight...

When we speak to our children we are creating some kind of reality for them, whether we are aware of it or not. The child is born to us at a state that he knows nothing and is looking to us to teach him EVERYTHING about life. Meanwhile for us, speech has became second-nature, habit, something which involves at times no thought what so ever. We must be aware of this and constantly keep our minds awake, to create positivity and not let auto pilot take over. When using negative words with them we CREATE a negative reality for them.

An example from our home- when my daughter uses inappropriate, and aggressive ways to achieve something by speaking to us rudely, we tell her, "this is NOT how we speak in this home. With this tone and method you cannot gain anything." We are now trying to work on answering like this- "In this home, when we want something from the others, we use a polite and calm voice, like daddy is using now you see?" This gives them an EXAMPLE. This is very important and is overlooked many times. We must remind ourselves that they do not know how to react, and if we just tell them what not to do, then how will they improve next time!? 

By showing a positive example we gain two things, :)
A) showing them an example they see with their own eyes of what is expected of them
B) telling them what to do therefor instructing them for next time

By telling them negatively we loose two things, :(

A) wasting an opportunity to show them an example of the proper behavior

B) not telling them what to do, so they actually don't know how to act, just what NOT TO DO!

The Torah tells us that the world was created by speech! Hashem created the world with ten statements. We also say everyday in Shararis "Baruch SheAmar Vehaya HaOlam": "blessed is the one who said and the world was created". We see that the world was created through speech. And as we were created in His image, and try to emulate Hashem we should also realize that our speech has great impact and is also creating. This is most likely why it is said about the ARI ZL that he seldom spoke, only on Shabbos, and only in Lashon Hakodesh. We must realize the power and effect our speech has on our children!

Conclusion: With every action and word, we are teaching our little ones and creating their world forever, therefor we should attempt to be positive and teach them with positive examples. 

Parashat HaShavua: The Spies of Eretz Israel

In Parashat Shlach Lecha, Hashem tells Moshe to send scouts to Eretz Israel. The nation of Israel reaches the "border" of Eretz Israel, their promised land, and they are commanded to first send 12 scouts in order to plan their conquering of the land.The Torah describes the spies as all being "Anshei Shem" or highly regarded people. Moshe sends them because they are qualified to do such a job, to aid the conquering of the Land of Israel. When the spies return, all but 2 of them fill the nation with fear and doubts about conquering the land. For this they are greatly punished as well as all people who believe them. The question is what is their sin and how can we learn from this?

What the spies most likely forgot, or lost track of is that their whole trip from Egypt was filled with Heavenly guidance and that everything which Hashem commanded or decreed happened thus far. The mission of the spies was to use the knowledge they had, and the faith in Hashem and to conquer the Land of Israel. Instead they allowed their fear to take over them and forgot to have faith. They saw large cities and giant people and were afraid of what the future would hold for them. As a result the future of the spies turned out pretty close to what their fears predicted. They forgot that the only way to better the world and to take control of something for the better is with faith in Hashem. If we only look at the facts, and leave no place for faith, then the world looks like a scary place. A place which is unconquerable, and a place of no hope.

The same things apply with the raising of children. At times there seem to be endless obstacles, which seem like what the spies saw in there tour of Eretz Israel. At times to me, there seems to be no right answer for how to raise my children as G-d fearing Jews. There is no place that can guarantee that they will turn out as frum, or observant jews. There is no institution which can produce good people from out kids. We cannot simply send them out to the "right" kindergarten, or school and know that everything will be alright. Sometimes the teachers and great but the classmates are not so good, or visa versa. At times, I find myself engulfed in the same fears of the spies. Being a father to relatively young children, I feel like this is the crucial time to instill fear of heaven in them. I look around and see the the environment is not perfect. I find myself very focused on the things that our community is lacking. Whether it is in the US or in Eretz Israel, there seems to be no right place with all the right answers. As parents we want our kids to turn out "right" more than anything else.

The parasha of the spies has cause me to realize that the truth is maybe a little different than my fears. The most important thing is to have faith in Hashem and our children. Also we must know that if we put in the effort, our values and beliefs can out-way any negatives in the outside. Living in the feeling of faith and Emunah is rewarding by itself. It allows for an environment of calm and positive upbringing for the children. It also shows our children not to be afraid of obstacles. Hashem "gave" us our children because we are capable of raising them according to the Torah. We were not given any tasks which cannot be completed. This must be a reminder to us always to know that no matter how the situation looks from the outside, with inner Emunah we can conquer the Land of Israel, and the raising of our children.

May we be blessed to see ourselves and all our children as scouts and not spies!

Why should we look to the Torah for parenting?

Every parent who has thought about improving his parenting in any way has had the following struggle inside. It is the struggle between our inside nature and the logic which tells us that we need to improve. Should we just go according to what we feel is right, or should we fight our nature and learn to change our habits? Some part of us feels that "we know what's best" and we should stick to our feelings and let our senses guide us in this path of parenting. But then again, do we really know what is best? Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path? I will try to entertain some of these questions, but I will firstly say that I too am in no place to answer them. 

Do we really know what is best?

The RaMCHaL (very interesting life story) in his work "Messilas Yesharim" gives us a guide to follow in order to do what Hashem wants from us. He starts the introduction by stating..


"I have written this work not to teach men what they do not know, but to remind them of what they already know and is very evident to them, for you will find in most of my words only things which most people know, and concerning which they entertain no doubts. But to the extent that they are well known and their truths revealed to all, so is forgetfulness in relation to them extremely prevalent. It follows, then, that the benefit to be obtained from this work is not derived from a single reading; for it is possible that the reader will find that he has learned little after having read it that he did not know before. Its benefit is to be derived, rather, through review and persistent study, by which one is reminded of those things which, by nature, he is prone to forget and through which he is caused to take to heart the duty that he tends to overlook."

The RaMCHaL is telling us that we as humans are forgetful and that we are in need of a constant reminder. He is specifically talking about his work, that it must be read over and over to actually profit, and truly learn; but surely there is a general lesson in his words. A person who is well learned in a certain part of Torah must continue to learn over and over again the same thing. The Torah asks of us to constantly keep learning over and over again, even repeating the same things, as it is written in Pirkei Avot 3.10,  "Rabbi Dostai ben Yannai said in the name of Rabbi Meir: He who forgets one word of his study, Scripture regards him as though he was liable for his life". We must then constantly look to the Torah to bring us up and to enlighten us. We can never consider ourselves as though we have finished learning something, and that we have accomplished something. We can not expect that we will finish a task to its utter completion in this world. Like it is said in Pirkei Avos 1.3

 "Do not be like slaves who serve the master in order to obtain a reward. Rather, be like slaves who serve the master not to receive a reward. And let the fear of Heaven be upon you." 

We are in a constant battle and we must look somewhere for a guide. We learn Torah so that we can be enlightened and so that we can become closer to Hashem and doing what He wants of us. Therefor I conclude that we do not know what is best for us or our children, we must look into a guide in order to do things right, or better at least. If the Torah teaches us how to be better and grow, than we must look into it to teach us about parenting. We must not let our senses guide us in this formidable task. Our senses and feelings are most likely engraved in us from our experiences and childhood, and just because they "feel right" does not necessarily make them the right. So every time that we are frustrated, and our child is pushing all the right buttons, we should be careful how we react. 

 Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? 

We normally have feelings of possession towards our children and this is normal. This are emotions that help us to sympathize with our kids, do our best around them and most importantly, protect them. But sometimes we get confused and forget the real importance of our mission. It is important to understand that our children are NOT our possessions! They are souls which Hashem has entrusted us with to raise and take care of them. Parents who have failed to understand this have troubles accepting when they children grow up and want to take paths different than what the parents intended for them. The understanding of this fact will allow us to do a better job and here is how. A parent who can let go of possession will have an easier time realizing that he does not have to raise the child to be a copy of him. When we know the child belongs to Hashem, then we have an obligation to look beyond our nature and to do what is needed for the child. 

This brings us to our responsibility towards them. We are now in a much more serious situation. Hashem has trusted in us, and blessed us with a SOUL to take care of. Will we just do what we feel like? Or will we take a second look and the Torah and see, maybe there is something that needs to be changed in both me and the child. 

Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path?

The quick answer is YES WE ARE. The reason for that is because the child is here. The Creator has chosen to bless us with the particular child we have, and He surely has done so because we are perfect for the job. As long as we keep in mind that we are in a sacred mission, we have the right attitude to change. Once we have understood this, now we must make the effort to make a change. The RaMCHaL writes

" the fact that a man possesses the knowledge and the reasoning ability to save himself and to flee from the destruction of his soul, is it conceivable that he would willingly blind himself to his own salvation? There is certainly no degradation and foolishness worse than this. One who does this is lower than beasts and wild animals, whose nature it is to protect themselves, to flee and to run away from anything that seems to endanger them. One who walks this world without considering whether his way of life is good or bad is like a blind man walking along the seashore, who is in very great danger, and whose chances of being lost are far greater than those of his being saved. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one's eyes as an act of will and desire."

We cannot not let ourselves be like the beast which runs away from danger when it is scared. We must study ourselves and our situation and change.