Quick Chiddush: Using "YES" instead of "No"

I wrote a post a while ago about the power of using the word "yes" instead of "no" with our children. I was discussing this with my wife the other day, and would like to add another insight...

When we speak to our children we are creating some kind of reality for them, whether we are aware of it or not. The child is born to us at a state that he knows nothing and is looking to us to teach him EVERYTHING about life. Meanwhile for us, speech has became second-nature, habit, something which involves at times no thought what so ever. We must be aware of this and constantly keep our minds awake, to create positivity and not let auto pilot take over. When using negative words with them we CREATE a negative reality for them.

An example from our home- when my daughter uses inappropriate, and aggressive ways to achieve something by speaking to us rudely, we tell her, "this is NOT how we speak in this home. With this tone and method you cannot gain anything." We are now trying to work on answering like this- "In this home, when we want something from the others, we use a polite and calm voice, like daddy is using now you see?" This gives them an EXAMPLE. This is very important and is overlooked many times. We must remind ourselves that they do not know how to react, and if we just tell them what not to do, then how will they improve next time!? 

By showing a positive example we gain two things, :)
A) showing them an example they see with their own eyes of what is expected of them
B) telling them what to do therefor instructing them for next time

By telling them negatively we loose two things, :(

A) wasting an opportunity to show them an example of the proper behavior

B) not telling them what to do, so they actually don't know how to act, just what NOT TO DO!

The Torah tells us that the world was created by speech! Hashem created the world with ten statements. We also say everyday in Shararis "Baruch SheAmar Vehaya HaOlam": "blessed is the one who said and the world was created". We see that the world was created through speech. And as we were created in His image, and try to emulate Hashem we should also realize that our speech has great impact and is also creating. This is most likely why it is said about the ARI ZL that he seldom spoke, only on Shabbos, and only in Lashon Hakodesh. We must realize the power and effect our speech has on our children!

Conclusion: With every action and word, we are teaching our little ones and creating their world forever, therefor we should attempt to be positive and teach them with positive examples. 

Parents Unite

We all know that an important factor in parenting is that both parents will be truly united, in the eyes of the child, and really. As I posted in my earlier blog, Yes vs. No, we can derive understanding of this from the creation of man. The most common misconception that is taught, especially to English speakers is that Hashem created Eve from the rib of Adam. But, really it is quite commonly known in Judaism that this is not so. Adam is a word that describes man and woman as a unit. I found a pretty thorough explanation of the Rambam in a very good blog that explains that "Adam and Eve were at first created as one being, having their backs united: they were then separated and one half was removed and brought before Adam as Eve. They were one being united, only later were they separated into the forms which today we see as man and woman.

The Zohar in Part I, 91b explains that man and woman share one soul. This is reenforced by the Jewish Chupah wedding ceremony. Once the groom and bride are engaged, we say the blessing Yozer HaAdam. We bless Hashem for creating Adam, or mankind.  On this day we are being truly created as a whole being. It is known also in the Zohar part III, 7b, 109b, and 296a that a woman or man alone is only half of a body. Therefore a male is not complete until the day he is married to a woman. Just when we are united with our counterparts can we really start to learn and progress in life, because we have been finally truly "born". Also, all of us who have been married know the difficulties of conforming to this new life which now involves two people and not just ourself. We must for the first time change to make another happy, we cannot flee from that which is uncomfortable or foreign to us. By understanding the real relationship between man and woman, we can comprehend the gravity of the impact which our marriage has on our children. It is crucial for the parents to strive to show their child what a true and healthy relationship between man and woman is.

Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…

1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.

2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.

3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all  members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.

Thoughts of Chol: Yes vs. No

We are our children's best and only guides. That means we have a great influence on them, even when we are not trying to. We spend too much time teaching our kids that they don't know anything. Every time that we tell them "no" we are re enforcing the idea that they are not able. We also give the appearance as though we know everything. We teach them that they need to look for others for approval. By constantly using the word "no" what do we truly accomplish? Let's break it down and see how the mind of a child might work. He tries to do something which in his eyes is formidable and worthwhile and he role-model who he looks up to for support and guidance shoots him down with a hasty "no". He in return gets much more (or less actually) than what was intended. If the parent was trying to teach him a simple lesson like speaking with inside voices for example, he has done something else. The parent shot down the child's sense of self worth and his love for attempting tasks which he cannot yet do. The only way to learn anything in life is to attempt it, and when we fail, to try again. Children have this remarkable ability to try countless times without success. We should cherish this in them , and encourage them to continue this in every aspect of life. Adults are less capable of this. They many times lack this drive to learn new things by trial and error. Adults are much easier frustrated by their inability to accomplish tasks. This is because from a young age we are taught that success is what matters and no trying. When we get a bad grade in school, our parents our disappointed, and when its an A, they are thrilled. This tells us subconsciously that what is important is result. Not to say that accomplishment is unimportant, but tenacity, and the ability to fight inability is probably one of the most valuable skills in life. Adults are constantly looking to find themselves in a place where they are comfortable and do not need to learn anything new. Children on the other hand, still have the need to explore and the curiosity to try many new things. They are also not yet afraid of failure because only later will they be taught that failure is "bad". They will eventually be taught by the whole world that when they do something "wrong" the world is unhappy with them. 
  Of course, because children are much stronger, it will take many times to fully engrave this into his little mind, but with a habit it will eventually happen. Our way of teaching them is too negative and it forms their minds to not believe in themselves. Their mind is then formed in this way- " I don't know what is best for me and someone else does". So they spend their whole lives searching for this someone or something to tell them how to live and what to do, but it does not exist. They act according to what they think will make the world happy with them, and now what will make them truly happy. We must encourage our children everyday. We cannot put out this fire of will that they possess just because they were not born already knowing all the laws of this world. They have just arrived to this world and it is our job to greet them and show them their strengths. They are all special and all have power, we just need to stand aside (in certain cases) and let this power grow. By telling them "no" we also subconsciously tell them that they are wrong, and if they do like us then they will be right. Like I wrote below in an earlier post, there is no end to learning and development, and their tenacity is what will help them to achieve learning in later stages of life. If we shut this down, the child thinks that once he can do the "right" things he will please the parent, but really he is forgetting to please himself. He is forgetting to enjoy the process of learning and overcoming obstacles. Most important, he is losing sight of a skill he will need to become a true tzaddik. He starts to view this world from a point of view that once we accomplish the basic things needed from us, we can rest for we have achieved. In order to really get to high levels of Avoda, we must never feel these feelings of accomplishment, but rather constantly strive for more. We can always teach them by offering to show how something is done, and being real role-models. This will obviously take more emotional work and energy, but it will surely give better results. And who said that this had to be easy?


Let's try an activity, I will do it too... let's count how many times we tell our children "no" on a daily basis. Ill get back to you with a post once i have counted.

Why should we look to the Torah for parenting?

Every parent who has thought about improving his parenting in any way has had the following struggle inside. It is the struggle between our inside nature and the logic which tells us that we need to improve. Should we just go according to what we feel is right, or should we fight our nature and learn to change our habits? Some part of us feels that "we know what's best" and we should stick to our feelings and let our senses guide us in this path of parenting. But then again, do we really know what is best? Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path? I will try to entertain some of these questions, but I will firstly say that I too am in no place to answer them. 

Do we really know what is best?

The RaMCHaL (very interesting life story) in his work "Messilas Yesharim" gives us a guide to follow in order to do what Hashem wants from us. He starts the introduction by stating..


"I have written this work not to teach men what they do not know, but to remind them of what they already know and is very evident to them, for you will find in most of my words only things which most people know, and concerning which they entertain no doubts. But to the extent that they are well known and their truths revealed to all, so is forgetfulness in relation to them extremely prevalent. It follows, then, that the benefit to be obtained from this work is not derived from a single reading; for it is possible that the reader will find that he has learned little after having read it that he did not know before. Its benefit is to be derived, rather, through review and persistent study, by which one is reminded of those things which, by nature, he is prone to forget and through which he is caused to take to heart the duty that he tends to overlook."

The RaMCHaL is telling us that we as humans are forgetful and that we are in need of a constant reminder. He is specifically talking about his work, that it must be read over and over to actually profit, and truly learn; but surely there is a general lesson in his words. A person who is well learned in a certain part of Torah must continue to learn over and over again the same thing. The Torah asks of us to constantly keep learning over and over again, even repeating the same things, as it is written in Pirkei Avot 3.10,  "Rabbi Dostai ben Yannai said in the name of Rabbi Meir: He who forgets one word of his study, Scripture regards him as though he was liable for his life". We must then constantly look to the Torah to bring us up and to enlighten us. We can never consider ourselves as though we have finished learning something, and that we have accomplished something. We can not expect that we will finish a task to its utter completion in this world. Like it is said in Pirkei Avos 1.3

 "Do not be like slaves who serve the master in order to obtain a reward. Rather, be like slaves who serve the master not to receive a reward. And let the fear of Heaven be upon you." 

We are in a constant battle and we must look somewhere for a guide. We learn Torah so that we can be enlightened and so that we can become closer to Hashem and doing what He wants of us. Therefor I conclude that we do not know what is best for us or our children, we must look into a guide in order to do things right, or better at least. If the Torah teaches us how to be better and grow, than we must look into it to teach us about parenting. We must not let our senses guide us in this formidable task. Our senses and feelings are most likely engraved in us from our experiences and childhood, and just because they "feel right" does not necessarily make them the right. So every time that we are frustrated, and our child is pushing all the right buttons, we should be careful how we react. 

 Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? 

We normally have feelings of possession towards our children and this is normal. This are emotions that help us to sympathize with our kids, do our best around them and most importantly, protect them. But sometimes we get confused and forget the real importance of our mission. It is important to understand that our children are NOT our possessions! They are souls which Hashem has entrusted us with to raise and take care of them. Parents who have failed to understand this have troubles accepting when they children grow up and want to take paths different than what the parents intended for them. The understanding of this fact will allow us to do a better job and here is how. A parent who can let go of possession will have an easier time realizing that he does not have to raise the child to be a copy of him. When we know the child belongs to Hashem, then we have an obligation to look beyond our nature and to do what is needed for the child. 

This brings us to our responsibility towards them. We are now in a much more serious situation. Hashem has trusted in us, and blessed us with a SOUL to take care of. Will we just do what we feel like? Or will we take a second look and the Torah and see, maybe there is something that needs to be changed in both me and the child. 

Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path?

The quick answer is YES WE ARE. The reason for that is because the child is here. The Creator has chosen to bless us with the particular child we have, and He surely has done so because we are perfect for the job. As long as we keep in mind that we are in a sacred mission, we have the right attitude to change. Once we have understood this, now we must make the effort to make a change. The RaMCHaL writes

" the fact that a man possesses the knowledge and the reasoning ability to save himself and to flee from the destruction of his soul, is it conceivable that he would willingly blind himself to his own salvation? There is certainly no degradation and foolishness worse than this. One who does this is lower than beasts and wild animals, whose nature it is to protect themselves, to flee and to run away from anything that seems to endanger them. One who walks this world without considering whether his way of life is good or bad is like a blind man walking along the seashore, who is in very great danger, and whose chances of being lost are far greater than those of his being saved. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one's eyes as an act of will and desire."

We cannot not let ourselves be like the beast which runs away from danger when it is scared. We must study ourselves and our situation and change.