Parents Unite

We all know that an important factor in parenting is that both parents will be truly united, in the eyes of the child, and really. As I posted in my earlier blog, Yes vs. No, we can derive understanding of this from the creation of man. The most common misconception that is taught, especially to English speakers is that Hashem created Eve from the rib of Adam. But, really it is quite commonly known in Judaism that this is not so. Adam is a word that describes man and woman as a unit. I found a pretty thorough explanation of the Rambam in a very good blog that explains that "Adam and Eve were at first created as one being, having their backs united: they were then separated and one half was removed and brought before Adam as Eve. They were one being united, only later were they separated into the forms which today we see as man and woman.

The Zohar in Part I, 91b explains that man and woman share one soul. This is reenforced by the Jewish Chupah wedding ceremony. Once the groom and bride are engaged, we say the blessing Yozer HaAdam. We bless Hashem for creating Adam, or mankind.  On this day we are being truly created as a whole being. It is known also in the Zohar part III, 7b, 109b, and 296a that a woman or man alone is only half of a body. Therefore a male is not complete until the day he is married to a woman. Just when we are united with our counterparts can we really start to learn and progress in life, because we have been finally truly "born". Also, all of us who have been married know the difficulties of conforming to this new life which now involves two people and not just ourself. We must for the first time change to make another happy, we cannot flee from that which is uncomfortable or foreign to us. By understanding the real relationship between man and woman, we can comprehend the gravity of the impact which our marriage has on our children. It is crucial for the parents to strive to show their child what a true and healthy relationship between man and woman is.

Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…

1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.

2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.

3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all  members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.

Micro to Macro

I do not remember the source of the following story but I do remember that it intrigued me quite a bit.

Two twins are in their mother's womb and are talking to one another right when they feel the birth is about to begin. One says to the other in fright, "that's it for us, our world is coming to an end! It's over! Here it was so nice, and warm. We always had nourishment, and there were never any dangers. And now death is coming, our life and world as we know it is coming to and end!" The other one reassures him, "do not be afraid brother, for I've heard differently. This is only the beginning, outside there is a whole other world! There is space, and trees, animals, sunsets, different foods and flavors to try, relationships with parents, and friends. We are going to a world much greater than this one!" The point of this parable is to show us how the world in which we live in is also just temporary and that there is a world to come, which is much greater than this one. And that which the second baby "heard" is our tradition and teachings of the Torah, which can guide us to look upon our present situation much broader than if we only had our own instincts and experiences. 

I used this story here, to convey a sense of how the world is new to a newborn child when he is born, and how his relationship with his parents is critical for everything to come in his life. He is presented with "parents" which are everything to him in the beginning. The baby is fully dependent on the parent for every action and has no ability of survival of his own. The parents are Mekayem (literally means keeping alive and giving life to the child all the time) the child every second of its life. Only through the effort of the parents will this soul be able to have a life of his own in the future. Who are these two figures which we call parents and what are they to the child? Like it is stated in parashas bereshis, " On the day that God created Adam, in the likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. He blessed them and called their name Adam on the day they were created ",  man and woman were created together and only later were they spilt into two parts. This is crucial for understanding of the child-parent relationship, because we can see that really both parents act like one entity. Any actions that either one of them take will effect the whole unity and dynamics of the relationship between all three. This aids us to understand that the two parents are in reality one being. So basically we have a child who has entered to a new world which seems to be governed by one entity, which is split up into two physical beings. Does this seem similar to anything? Yes! It is exactly the situation which we are in with our relationship with Hashem. We are in this world which He governs as a unity( Shema Israel Hashem Elokeynu Hashem Ehad), but to our eyes everything is split into many physical "things" or features (Ma rabu maasheha Hashem, culam bechochma asita). These two relationships are in a way very similar.  This is what I am trying to get at... the relationship which we form with our children from an early age, will be the foundation of his relationship with The Holy One Blessed Be He.

The parents also have different tasks and characteristics which make their fusion perfect. They each also represent a certain "characteristic" of Hashem. Man and woman, who where created as one, were created in the image of Hashem, as written in Bereshit 1, 26, " And we shall make Adam in our image like our likeness".  We see that the Elokim says plurally, "in our image" rather than a single image. This may allude to several things, one being that The Holy One Blessed be He, even though he is One and everything, has several ways of acting, or leaving his "image" in this world. We can learn this from simply studying the grammar of the Torah. Always when Elokim "says" or does something, it is written "And Elokim said" or "created" in singular form. This is so even thought the word Elokim literally means "many Kels or powers". In this case when discribing Himself, the Torah uses a plural form to state "our image". This basically explains that while in actions, Elokim is one and is acting upon the world as a total and complete unity, where everything is interconnected and carefully planned and woven together, He consists of many "powers" and forces for lack of better wording. To our eyes these may seem as different forces because we lack the abillity to understand the Creators actions, but truly the Creator is One. Just as Maimonides writes about the inability to understand the creator, in Hilchot Yesodei Hatorah 2.10, "and this is not withing the pwer of any man to comprehend clearly", man is inept for this. Therefor, we see that the creation of Adam alludes to a oneness of man and woman. This oneness is key for relationship between man, woman, and child. 


 There are two main names which the Torah uses for Hashem. There is Elokim and Hashem, the four letter name. We know that Elokim is a name pertaining to the sephira Gevurah and Hashem pertains to Chesed. Here is a quick explanation of the two sephiros. In the same way the man and woman both pertain mainly to one of these sefirot. The man to Chesed and woman to Gevura. Of course there are times when it is the other way around but mainly this is the situation. The same way that a child will not get the same treatment from both parents on a particular case, he will later not always get the same treatment from Hashem. There are times when in life we need to be taught a lesson and times when we are given a gift of kindness from the Creator. A healthy balance of the two aspects in parenting will prepare the child for a healthy relationship with Hashem and the world. Just as the Torah teaches us that the Creator shows Himself to us in different lights, but is really one, the same way it is important that the parents use different techniques in unity to teach the child how to approach Hashem. In the future of his life the child will realize that there is One who creates all, and oversees all, and with a healthy balance in his childhood will be able to create a real relationship. He will not be depressed when "life" throws him down, and will not be over exited at times of blessing. The child must learn to accept the fact that life is full of ups and downs. Like we are commanded to bless Hashem for the bad just as well as the good (Baruch Dayan Haemet), the child must learn to accept the truth of life's path. This will create a more mentally balanced child. The only way accomplish this is to, by the united relationship of the parents, present to the child that both characteristics and approaches of the parents are all part of a greater whole which is eternally united. The parents can only achieve this by truly being united with one another. Everything in the household depends on this as is said in Sota 17 by Rabbi Akiva, "Man and woman, they achieved, Shchina lies in between them, they didn't achieve, fire will eat them". The parents must be united to achieve shchina, or the harmony and presence of Hashem in the household. 

Basically, the parents must look at themselves as creators of the child's reality as pertains to spirituality and all things. Hopefully, based on this article, in another blog, I will address the importance of parents always appearing "together" in the eyes of the child, even when they disagree on something in particular.