Parashat HaShavua: The Spies of Eretz Israel

In Parashat Shlach Lecha, Hashem tells Moshe to send scouts to Eretz Israel. The nation of Israel reaches the "border" of Eretz Israel, their promised land, and they are commanded to first send 12 scouts in order to plan their conquering of the land.The Torah describes the spies as all being "Anshei Shem" or highly regarded people. Moshe sends them because they are qualified to do such a job, to aid the conquering of the Land of Israel. When the spies return, all but 2 of them fill the nation with fear and doubts about conquering the land. For this they are greatly punished as well as all people who believe them. The question is what is their sin and how can we learn from this?

What the spies most likely forgot, or lost track of is that their whole trip from Egypt was filled with Heavenly guidance and that everything which Hashem commanded or decreed happened thus far. The mission of the spies was to use the knowledge they had, and the faith in Hashem and to conquer the Land of Israel. Instead they allowed their fear to take over them and forgot to have faith. They saw large cities and giant people and were afraid of what the future would hold for them. As a result the future of the spies turned out pretty close to what their fears predicted. They forgot that the only way to better the world and to take control of something for the better is with faith in Hashem. If we only look at the facts, and leave no place for faith, then the world looks like a scary place. A place which is unconquerable, and a place of no hope.

The same things apply with the raising of children. At times there seem to be endless obstacles, which seem like what the spies saw in there tour of Eretz Israel. At times to me, there seems to be no right answer for how to raise my children as G-d fearing Jews. There is no place that can guarantee that they will turn out as frum, or observant jews. There is no institution which can produce good people from out kids. We cannot simply send them out to the "right" kindergarten, or school and know that everything will be alright. Sometimes the teachers and great but the classmates are not so good, or visa versa. At times, I find myself engulfed in the same fears of the spies. Being a father to relatively young children, I feel like this is the crucial time to instill fear of heaven in them. I look around and see the the environment is not perfect. I find myself very focused on the things that our community is lacking. Whether it is in the US or in Eretz Israel, there seems to be no right place with all the right answers. As parents we want our kids to turn out "right" more than anything else.

The parasha of the spies has cause me to realize that the truth is maybe a little different than my fears. The most important thing is to have faith in Hashem and our children. Also we must know that if we put in the effort, our values and beliefs can out-way any negatives in the outside. Living in the feeling of faith and Emunah is rewarding by itself. It allows for an environment of calm and positive upbringing for the children. It also shows our children not to be afraid of obstacles. Hashem "gave" us our children because we are capable of raising them according to the Torah. We were not given any tasks which cannot be completed. This must be a reminder to us always to know that no matter how the situation looks from the outside, with inner Emunah we can conquer the Land of Israel, and the raising of our children.

May we be blessed to see ourselves and all our children as scouts and not spies!

What is Love?

Here is an interesting video about love and relationships. We should all strive to reach this quality in our relationships with our spouse, children, and our love for Hashem and serving Him. Yesh Koach! By the way, Dr. Abraham Twerski has a great website with many interesting stories, books and media.

Thoughts of Chol: Yes vs. No

We are our children's best and only guides. That means we have a great influence on them, even when we are not trying to. We spend too much time teaching our kids that they don't know anything. Every time that we tell them "no" we are re enforcing the idea that they are not able. We also give the appearance as though we know everything. We teach them that they need to look for others for approval. By constantly using the word "no" what do we truly accomplish? Let's break it down and see how the mind of a child might work. He tries to do something which in his eyes is formidable and worthwhile and he role-model who he looks up to for support and guidance shoots him down with a hasty "no". He in return gets much more (or less actually) than what was intended. If the parent was trying to teach him a simple lesson like speaking with inside voices for example, he has done something else. The parent shot down the child's sense of self worth and his love for attempting tasks which he cannot yet do. The only way to learn anything in life is to attempt it, and when we fail, to try again. Children have this remarkable ability to try countless times without success. We should cherish this in them , and encourage them to continue this in every aspect of life. Adults are less capable of this. They many times lack this drive to learn new things by trial and error. Adults are much easier frustrated by their inability to accomplish tasks. This is because from a young age we are taught that success is what matters and no trying. When we get a bad grade in school, our parents our disappointed, and when its an A, they are thrilled. This tells us subconsciously that what is important is result. Not to say that accomplishment is unimportant, but tenacity, and the ability to fight inability is probably one of the most valuable skills in life. Adults are constantly looking to find themselves in a place where they are comfortable and do not need to learn anything new. Children on the other hand, still have the need to explore and the curiosity to try many new things. They are also not yet afraid of failure because only later will they be taught that failure is "bad". They will eventually be taught by the whole world that when they do something "wrong" the world is unhappy with them. 
  Of course, because children are much stronger, it will take many times to fully engrave this into his little mind, but with a habit it will eventually happen. Our way of teaching them is too negative and it forms their minds to not believe in themselves. Their mind is then formed in this way- " I don't know what is best for me and someone else does". So they spend their whole lives searching for this someone or something to tell them how to live and what to do, but it does not exist. They act according to what they think will make the world happy with them, and now what will make them truly happy. We must encourage our children everyday. We cannot put out this fire of will that they possess just because they were not born already knowing all the laws of this world. They have just arrived to this world and it is our job to greet them and show them their strengths. They are all special and all have power, we just need to stand aside (in certain cases) and let this power grow. By telling them "no" we also subconsciously tell them that they are wrong, and if they do like us then they will be right. Like I wrote below in an earlier post, there is no end to learning and development, and their tenacity is what will help them to achieve learning in later stages of life. If we shut this down, the child thinks that once he can do the "right" things he will please the parent, but really he is forgetting to please himself. He is forgetting to enjoy the process of learning and overcoming obstacles. Most important, he is losing sight of a skill he will need to become a true tzaddik. He starts to view this world from a point of view that once we accomplish the basic things needed from us, we can rest for we have achieved. In order to really get to high levels of Avoda, we must never feel these feelings of accomplishment, but rather constantly strive for more. We can always teach them by offering to show how something is done, and being real role-models. This will obviously take more emotional work and energy, but it will surely give better results. And who said that this had to be easy?


Let's try an activity, I will do it too... let's count how many times we tell our children "no" on a daily basis. Ill get back to you with a post once i have counted.

Krias Shema

The Krias Shema, which according to Deorayta is the only learning of Torah we are commanded to perform on a daily basis, speaks a few times of raising our children. It lists the things we must do in our lifetime to act accordingly and adds parenting as one of them. As far as I'm corcerened, parenting is the most underrated mitzvah in the Torah. If carried out correctly, it could have such great effects on this world. On the other hand, if it is treated without care, it could possibly destroy so much, including our lineage. We are commanded to read these verses two times a day, yet we pay little attention to the gravity of the matter. Sometimes we focus to much on our lives and less on our children. But the Torah would not have listed this here, or anywhere if it wasn't important. Why isn't there a Chasidut which their prime focus is raising children? Sounds funny, but a good question. Raising children is a difficult task, and the fruits are not always visible, but it ensures permanent dwelling in the land, as promised to our forefathers. 

The Krias Shema (click here to view it in english) warns us in its second paragraph "Pen ifte levavchem ve sartem veavadetem elohim acherim" ("Lest your hearts are lured away, and you stray and worship other gods"). It is warning us against letting our hearts control us, and take us to destruction. Our heart, the thing we are often told to trust, is actually portrayed here as something untrustworthy. 
After listing all the negatives that will happen ("For then the L-rd's wrath will flare up against you, and He will close the heavens so that there will be no rain and the earth will not yield its produce, and you will swiftly perish from the good land which the L-rd gives you) if we allow our hearts to lead us to idolatry, it gives us a way to make it right, and the reason we must do it ("place these words of Mine upon your heart and upon your soul, and bind them for a sign on your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, to speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise. And you shall inscribe them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates - so that your days and the days of your children may be prolonged on the land which the L-rd swore to your fathers to give to them for as long as the heavens are above the earth"). In the middle of telling us how we ourselves must behave the Torah tells us that we must teach our children the Torah. Why is this listed as a mitzvah in this particular place?  The reason is so that the nation of Israel can have an existence. 


In the second paragraph of the krias shema, the order is as follows... first we must "put them our our hearts, and tie them as a sign on our arms and as totafos between our eyes". This verse implies that this is the manner in we must behave in out lives. Then in goes to tell us to "teach them to our sons so that they will speak them while we sit at our homes and walk on our way and as we lie down and awake, and you shall write them on the mezuzos of your homes and our you gates". Here it is shown that after we have become what the Torah wants, we must teach our sons the same thing. Good parenting is a commandment from the Torah. We are commanded by the Torah to teach our kids to be like the Torah intends. This is also logical, because as we go through life, we are ruined by the ways of the world and slowly we drift from the ways of the Torah. We must therefor continuously learn and strive to improve. Children are new souls that have just arrived at this world and do not yet have influence from it. A parent who is teaching the child by the Torah has a chance to escape the influence of the world for a brief time. But, most importantly we must teach for generations to come, never stopping. The next verse gives reason for why we must do all the above. "so that your days and sons days will increase on the land which Hashem swore to your forefathers to give them like the days of the heavens upon the earth". We are given not only motivation for raising our children, but also motivation for acting according to the mitzvot. There is also a hint of the following, the reason for everything we do is so that eventually it will all transfer to our kids. If we act according to the Torah, Hashem can fulfill his promise to the Avos and keep us in the land of Israel. To make a long story short, all the existence and survival of the Jewish people depends on bettering ourselves and raising our kids even better.

Why should we look to the Torah for parenting?

Every parent who has thought about improving his parenting in any way has had the following struggle inside. It is the struggle between our inside nature and the logic which tells us that we need to improve. Should we just go according to what we feel is right, or should we fight our nature and learn to change our habits? Some part of us feels that "we know what's best" and we should stick to our feelings and let our senses guide us in this path of parenting. But then again, do we really know what is best? Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path? I will try to entertain some of these questions, but I will firstly say that I too am in no place to answer them. 

Do we really know what is best?

The RaMCHaL (very interesting life story) in his work "Messilas Yesharim" gives us a guide to follow in order to do what Hashem wants from us. He starts the introduction by stating..


"I have written this work not to teach men what they do not know, but to remind them of what they already know and is very evident to them, for you will find in most of my words only things which most people know, and concerning which they entertain no doubts. But to the extent that they are well known and their truths revealed to all, so is forgetfulness in relation to them extremely prevalent. It follows, then, that the benefit to be obtained from this work is not derived from a single reading; for it is possible that the reader will find that he has learned little after having read it that he did not know before. Its benefit is to be derived, rather, through review and persistent study, by which one is reminded of those things which, by nature, he is prone to forget and through which he is caused to take to heart the duty that he tends to overlook."

The RaMCHaL is telling us that we as humans are forgetful and that we are in need of a constant reminder. He is specifically talking about his work, that it must be read over and over to actually profit, and truly learn; but surely there is a general lesson in his words. A person who is well learned in a certain part of Torah must continue to learn over and over again the same thing. The Torah asks of us to constantly keep learning over and over again, even repeating the same things, as it is written in Pirkei Avot 3.10,  "Rabbi Dostai ben Yannai said in the name of Rabbi Meir: He who forgets one word of his study, Scripture regards him as though he was liable for his life". We must then constantly look to the Torah to bring us up and to enlighten us. We can never consider ourselves as though we have finished learning something, and that we have accomplished something. We can not expect that we will finish a task to its utter completion in this world. Like it is said in Pirkei Avos 1.3

 "Do not be like slaves who serve the master in order to obtain a reward. Rather, be like slaves who serve the master not to receive a reward. And let the fear of Heaven be upon you." 

We are in a constant battle and we must look somewhere for a guide. We learn Torah so that we can be enlightened and so that we can become closer to Hashem and doing what He wants of us. Therefor I conclude that we do not know what is best for us or our children, we must look into a guide in order to do things right, or better at least. If the Torah teaches us how to be better and grow, than we must look into it to teach us about parenting. We must not let our senses guide us in this formidable task. Our senses and feelings are most likely engraved in us from our experiences and childhood, and just because they "feel right" does not necessarily make them the right. So every time that we are frustrated, and our child is pushing all the right buttons, we should be careful how we react. 

 Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? 

We normally have feelings of possession towards our children and this is normal. This are emotions that help us to sympathize with our kids, do our best around them and most importantly, protect them. But sometimes we get confused and forget the real importance of our mission. It is important to understand that our children are NOT our possessions! They are souls which Hashem has entrusted us with to raise and take care of them. Parents who have failed to understand this have troubles accepting when they children grow up and want to take paths different than what the parents intended for them. The understanding of this fact will allow us to do a better job and here is how. A parent who can let go of possession will have an easier time realizing that he does not have to raise the child to be a copy of him. When we know the child belongs to Hashem, then we have an obligation to look beyond our nature and to do what is needed for the child. 

This brings us to our responsibility towards them. We are now in a much more serious situation. Hashem has trusted in us, and blessed us with a SOUL to take care of. Will we just do what we feel like? Or will we take a second look and the Torah and see, maybe there is something that needs to be changed in both me and the child. 

Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path?

The quick answer is YES WE ARE. The reason for that is because the child is here. The Creator has chosen to bless us with the particular child we have, and He surely has done so because we are perfect for the job. As long as we keep in mind that we are in a sacred mission, we have the right attitude to change. Once we have understood this, now we must make the effort to make a change. The RaMCHaL writes

" the fact that a man possesses the knowledge and the reasoning ability to save himself and to flee from the destruction of his soul, is it conceivable that he would willingly blind himself to his own salvation? There is certainly no degradation and foolishness worse than this. One who does this is lower than beasts and wild animals, whose nature it is to protect themselves, to flee and to run away from anything that seems to endanger them. One who walks this world without considering whether his way of life is good or bad is like a blind man walking along the seashore, who is in very great danger, and whose chances of being lost are far greater than those of his being saved. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one's eyes as an act of will and desire."

We cannot not let ourselves be like the beast which runs away from danger when it is scared. We must study ourselves and our situation and change.