Quick Chiddush: Using "YES" instead of "No"

I wrote a post a while ago about the power of using the word "yes" instead of "no" with our children. I was discussing this with my wife the other day, and would like to add another insight...

When we speak to our children we are creating some kind of reality for them, whether we are aware of it or not. The child is born to us at a state that he knows nothing and is looking to us to teach him EVERYTHING about life. Meanwhile for us, speech has became second-nature, habit, something which involves at times no thought what so ever. We must be aware of this and constantly keep our minds awake, to create positivity and not let auto pilot take over. When using negative words with them we CREATE a negative reality for them.

An example from our home- when my daughter uses inappropriate, and aggressive ways to achieve something by speaking to us rudely, we tell her, "this is NOT how we speak in this home. With this tone and method you cannot gain anything." We are now trying to work on answering like this- "In this home, when we want something from the others, we use a polite and calm voice, like daddy is using now you see?" This gives them an EXAMPLE. This is very important and is overlooked many times. We must remind ourselves that they do not know how to react, and if we just tell them what not to do, then how will they improve next time!? 

By showing a positive example we gain two things, :)
A) showing them an example they see with their own eyes of what is expected of them
B) telling them what to do therefor instructing them for next time

By telling them negatively we loose two things, :(

A) wasting an opportunity to show them an example of the proper behavior

B) not telling them what to do, so they actually don't know how to act, just what NOT TO DO!

The Torah tells us that the world was created by speech! Hashem created the world with ten statements. We also say everyday in Shararis "Baruch SheAmar Vehaya HaOlam": "blessed is the one who said and the world was created". We see that the world was created through speech. And as we were created in His image, and try to emulate Hashem we should also realize that our speech has great impact and is also creating. This is most likely why it is said about the ARI ZL that he seldom spoke, only on Shabbos, and only in Lashon Hakodesh. We must realize the power and effect our speech has on our children!

Conclusion: With every action and word, we are teaching our little ones and creating their world forever, therefor we should attempt to be positive and teach them with positive examples. 

Parashat HaShavua: The Spies of Eretz Israel

In Parashat Shlach Lecha, Hashem tells Moshe to send scouts to Eretz Israel. The nation of Israel reaches the "border" of Eretz Israel, their promised land, and they are commanded to first send 12 scouts in order to plan their conquering of the land.The Torah describes the spies as all being "Anshei Shem" or highly regarded people. Moshe sends them because they are qualified to do such a job, to aid the conquering of the Land of Israel. When the spies return, all but 2 of them fill the nation with fear and doubts about conquering the land. For this they are greatly punished as well as all people who believe them. The question is what is their sin and how can we learn from this?

What the spies most likely forgot, or lost track of is that their whole trip from Egypt was filled with Heavenly guidance and that everything which Hashem commanded or decreed happened thus far. The mission of the spies was to use the knowledge they had, and the faith in Hashem and to conquer the Land of Israel. Instead they allowed their fear to take over them and forgot to have faith. They saw large cities and giant people and were afraid of what the future would hold for them. As a result the future of the spies turned out pretty close to what their fears predicted. They forgot that the only way to better the world and to take control of something for the better is with faith in Hashem. If we only look at the facts, and leave no place for faith, then the world looks like a scary place. A place which is unconquerable, and a place of no hope.

The same things apply with the raising of children. At times there seem to be endless obstacles, which seem like what the spies saw in there tour of Eretz Israel. At times to me, there seems to be no right answer for how to raise my children as G-d fearing Jews. There is no place that can guarantee that they will turn out as frum, or observant jews. There is no institution which can produce good people from out kids. We cannot simply send them out to the "right" kindergarten, or school and know that everything will be alright. Sometimes the teachers and great but the classmates are not so good, or visa versa. At times, I find myself engulfed in the same fears of the spies. Being a father to relatively young children, I feel like this is the crucial time to instill fear of heaven in them. I look around and see the the environment is not perfect. I find myself very focused on the things that our community is lacking. Whether it is in the US or in Eretz Israel, there seems to be no right place with all the right answers. As parents we want our kids to turn out "right" more than anything else.

The parasha of the spies has cause me to realize that the truth is maybe a little different than my fears. The most important thing is to have faith in Hashem and our children. Also we must know that if we put in the effort, our values and beliefs can out-way any negatives in the outside. Living in the feeling of faith and Emunah is rewarding by itself. It allows for an environment of calm and positive upbringing for the children. It also shows our children not to be afraid of obstacles. Hashem "gave" us our children because we are capable of raising them according to the Torah. We were not given any tasks which cannot be completed. This must be a reminder to us always to know that no matter how the situation looks from the outside, with inner Emunah we can conquer the Land of Israel, and the raising of our children.

May we be blessed to see ourselves and all our children as scouts and not spies!

Torah Stories: Dama ben Netina

This is a Re-Post of the story that was told on JewishVirtualLibrary.org and is connected to the last post I published. I wanted readers to have a copy of the story available here for those who don't know it.

DAMA, SON OF NETINA, according to the aggadah (TY Peah 1:1, 15c, Kidd. 1:7, 61b), a gentile council president (Gr. patēr boulēs) who lived in Ashkalon sometime in the first century C.E. According to R. Joḥanan, when R. *Eliezer was asked about the extent of the obligation to honor one's parents, he pointed to Dama as a perfect example of filial piety. The outline of the story as told in the Jerusalem Talmud is as follows: It happened once that one of the precious stones fell out of the High Priest's breastplate, and was lost. Seeking a replacement, the sages were referred to a certain Dama ben Netina who purportedly had the exact jewel they required in his possession. They offered him one hundred dinar, and Dama accepted their offer. When he went to fetch the jewel he discovered that he could not access it without waking his father. So he returned and informed his clients that he could not provide them with the item they sought. Assuming that he was trying to renegotiate the price, they increased their offer until they reached a sum of 1000 dinar. When his father finally woke up he brought them the jewel, and they were still willing to pay him their final offer of 1000 dinar. Dama, however, was only willing to accept their initial offer of one hundred, saying: "What? Do you think that I would sell the honor of my fathers for mere coins? I refuse to derive any tangible benefit from the honor of my fathers!" The Jerusalem Talmud goes on to ask what heavenly reward Dama received for such meritorious behavior. The answer given was that on that very night a pure red heifer – essential, according to Num. 19, for attaining ritual purity – was born to Dama's cow, and so the Jews purchased this extremely rare item from him for a small fortune.


It is amazing the amount of respect he had for his father. Not only did he respect his father, he also had a value for it. It meant something to him and he was not even prepared to sell this for money. 

Honor your father and your mother

It is written in Devarim 5,17-


כַּבֵּד אֶת אָבִיךָ וְאֶת אִמֶּךָ, כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוְּךָ ה' אֱלֹהֶיךָ, לְמַעַן יַאֲרִיכֻן יָמֶיךָ, וּלְמַעַן יִיטַב לָךְ, עַל הָאֲדָמָה, אֲשֶׁר ה' אֱלֹהֶיךָ, נֹתֵן לָךְ".


Basically the Torah is telling us that it is a commandment to respect your father and mother. It even tells us the reward for doing so, that our days will get longer and better on the land the Hashem gives us. We all know about this mitzvah especially since it is one of the Ten Commandments of the Torah. We also know how difficult it is sometimes to fulfill as we get older. Sometimes our points of view are different than our parents' and it is rather difficult at times to "respect" their ways.

We know that it is Halacha, if a son sees his father not doing something according to Halacha, he should not tell him that he is wrong. Rather he can tell him indirectly, "father, listen to what I learned in Yeshiva today, or so on." The Gemara in Kidushin tells us of a story of a gentile, Dama ben Nesina, who refused to wake up his father even to make a huge profit and passed up on the business deal. Our sages chose to learn Kibud Av Ve'em from this example showing to what great depths this mitzvah can be fulfilled.

The question which I am going to ask here is, when does this all start? From what day do we have to fulfill this mitzvah? Is it from the day we receive Ol Mitzvot ( the yoke of the commandments) or is it even at a younger age?


Unfortunately, the amount of respect children show towards their parents most of the time depends on the limits parents set, and the respect they demand from children. Last night, I was thinking about parents who have respect issues with their kids. It got me to start thinking, who is to blame, the child or the parent? I concluded that it is indeed the parent who is responsible for this. The parent who sets boundaries and keeps them, has a more "respectful" child. We all know that children do not seize even for a minute to test us constantly on the boundaries we set.

All this connected to the mitzvah of Shemirat Shabat for me, because in the same way parents are responsible to teach this to their children according to the Torah. We have a responsibility to pass down the Torah to our children, and to teach them to live by it. We see this on one of our biggest holidays Passover, which according to the Torah has two major mitzvot, Matza, and Magid. The basic purpose for the Chag is to "tell" our children, the next generation of Jews, about our history and Torah. With all this being true, we see that the Torah requires a Jew to start his children off with a life of Torah and Mitzvot. From this I learned that just like we must teach Shabat to children, the same way we must teach them to respect us.

In a way, the respect which we demand from them will in the future determine if they will be able to fulfill one of the major commandments of the Torah. We therefor, must constantly struggle not to allow our kids, "to walk all over us" by setting a high self respect level with them. This way they will learn two great things, to respect their parents and eventually themselves. I truly believe that we as parents are responsible for the way our children treat us. It is very difficult to keep up, but it is definitely worth it. If we are successful in this, like I said, we will start them on the right path to this Mitzvah and we will right away see one of the promises the Torah promises US for respecting OUR parents- וּלְמַעַן יִיטַב לָךְ-
it will be a more pleasant reality for us to live in with respectful children.

After I thought a little bit about the connection between honoring parents and teaching Shabat, and the rest of the Torah to children, I looked in the source itself and saw a second place where this is mentioned, in Vayikra 19,3.

"אִישׁ אִמּוֹ וְאָבִיו תִּירָאוּ, וְאֶת שַׁבְּתֹתַי תִּשְׁמֹרוּ, אֲנִי ה' אֱלֹהֵיכֶם"
A man must fear his mother and father, and keep my Shabbats, I am Hashem your G-d


 So I am in a way making my own derasha by saying that the Torah even brings this down to us that these two commandments have a connection in the Jewish way of upbringing. And if we look further, in this example it is talking about about an Ish, a grown up person, not a child. So could it be possible that the Torah is saying, just like you must fear/respect your mother and father, you must also keep my Shabats. The same place where we learned to keep the Shabat must also be the same place where we will learn to respect our parents.

In conclusion, even though it is tough, we must teach our little ones about this mitzvah, and how to fulfill it. Even more, we might have a chance to "close" 1 of the 613 commandments for them, and ensure they will fulfill it in their grown up lives.

New Post

I have a new post, but because it was a draft much earlier, it is not the highest on the list, its two below this one, please check it out. Its called Parents Unite.

What is Love?

Here is an interesting video about love and relationships. We should all strive to reach this quality in our relationships with our spouse, children, and our love for Hashem and serving Him. Yesh Koach! By the way, Dr. Abraham Twerski has a great website with many interesting stories, books and media.

Parents Unite

We all know that an important factor in parenting is that both parents will be truly united, in the eyes of the child, and really. As I posted in my earlier blog, Yes vs. No, we can derive understanding of this from the creation of man. The most common misconception that is taught, especially to English speakers is that Hashem created Eve from the rib of Adam. But, really it is quite commonly known in Judaism that this is not so. Adam is a word that describes man and woman as a unit. I found a pretty thorough explanation of the Rambam in a very good blog that explains that "Adam and Eve were at first created as one being, having their backs united: they were then separated and one half was removed and brought before Adam as Eve. They were one being united, only later were they separated into the forms which today we see as man and woman.

The Zohar in Part I, 91b explains that man and woman share one soul. This is reenforced by the Jewish Chupah wedding ceremony. Once the groom and bride are engaged, we say the blessing Yozer HaAdam. We bless Hashem for creating Adam, or mankind.  On this day we are being truly created as a whole being. It is known also in the Zohar part III, 7b, 109b, and 296a that a woman or man alone is only half of a body. Therefore a male is not complete until the day he is married to a woman. Just when we are united with our counterparts can we really start to learn and progress in life, because we have been finally truly "born". Also, all of us who have been married know the difficulties of conforming to this new life which now involves two people and not just ourself. We must for the first time change to make another happy, we cannot flee from that which is uncomfortable or foreign to us. By understanding the real relationship between man and woman, we can comprehend the gravity of the impact which our marriage has on our children. It is crucial for the parents to strive to show their child what a true and healthy relationship between man and woman is.

Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…

1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.

2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.

3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all  members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.