We all know that an important factor in parenting is that both parents will be truly united, in the eyes of the child, and really. As I posted in my earlier blog, Yes vs. No, we can derive understanding of this from the creation of man. The most common misconception that is taught, especially to English speakers is that Hashem created Eve from the rib of Adam. But, really it is quite commonly known in Judaism that this is not so. Adam is a word that describes man and woman as a unit. I found a pretty thorough explanation of the Rambam in a very good blog that explains that "Adam and Eve were at first created as one being, having their backs united: they were then separated and one half was removed and brought before Adam as Eve. They were one being united, only later were they separated into the forms which today we see as man and woman.
The Zohar in Part I, 91b explains that man and woman share one soul. This is reenforced by the Jewish Chupah wedding ceremony. Once the groom and bride are engaged, we say the blessing Yozer HaAdam. We bless Hashem for creating Adam, or mankind. On this day we are being truly created as a whole being. It is known also in the Zohar part III, 7b, 109b, and 296a that a woman or man alone is only half of a body. Therefore a male is not complete until the day he is married to a woman. Just when we are united with our counterparts can we really start to learn and progress in life, because we have been finally truly "born". Also, all of us who have been married know the difficulties of conforming to this new life which now involves two people and not just ourself. We must for the first time change to make another happy, we cannot flee from that which is uncomfortable or foreign to us. By understanding the real relationship between man and woman, we can comprehend the gravity of the impact which our marriage has on our children. It is crucial for the parents to strive to show their child what a true and healthy relationship between man and woman is.
Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…
1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.
2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.
3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.
Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…
1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.
2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.
3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.
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