Thoughts of Chol: Yes vs. No

We are our children's best and only guides. That means we have a great influence on them, even when we are not trying to. We spend too much time teaching our kids that they don't know anything. Every time that we tell them "no" we are re enforcing the idea that they are not able. We also give the appearance as though we know everything. We teach them that they need to look for others for approval. By constantly using the word "no" what do we truly accomplish? Let's break it down and see how the mind of a child might work. He tries to do something which in his eyes is formidable and worthwhile and he role-model who he looks up to for support and guidance shoots him down with a hasty "no". He in return gets much more (or less actually) than what was intended. If the parent was trying to teach him a simple lesson like speaking with inside voices for example, he has done something else. The parent shot down the child's sense of self worth and his love for attempting tasks which he cannot yet do. The only way to learn anything in life is to attempt it, and when we fail, to try again. Children have this remarkable ability to try countless times without success. We should cherish this in them , and encourage them to continue this in every aspect of life. Adults are less capable of this. They many times lack this drive to learn new things by trial and error. Adults are much easier frustrated by their inability to accomplish tasks. This is because from a young age we are taught that success is what matters and no trying. When we get a bad grade in school, our parents our disappointed, and when its an A, they are thrilled. This tells us subconsciously that what is important is result. Not to say that accomplishment is unimportant, but tenacity, and the ability to fight inability is probably one of the most valuable skills in life. Adults are constantly looking to find themselves in a place where they are comfortable and do not need to learn anything new. Children on the other hand, still have the need to explore and the curiosity to try many new things. They are also not yet afraid of failure because only later will they be taught that failure is "bad". They will eventually be taught by the whole world that when they do something "wrong" the world is unhappy with them. 
  Of course, because children are much stronger, it will take many times to fully engrave this into his little mind, but with a habit it will eventually happen. Our way of teaching them is too negative and it forms their minds to not believe in themselves. Their mind is then formed in this way- " I don't know what is best for me and someone else does". So they spend their whole lives searching for this someone or something to tell them how to live and what to do, but it does not exist. They act according to what they think will make the world happy with them, and now what will make them truly happy. We must encourage our children everyday. We cannot put out this fire of will that they possess just because they were not born already knowing all the laws of this world. They have just arrived to this world and it is our job to greet them and show them their strengths. They are all special and all have power, we just need to stand aside (in certain cases) and let this power grow. By telling them "no" we also subconsciously tell them that they are wrong, and if they do like us then they will be right. Like I wrote below in an earlier post, there is no end to learning and development, and their tenacity is what will help them to achieve learning in later stages of life. If we shut this down, the child thinks that once he can do the "right" things he will please the parent, but really he is forgetting to please himself. He is forgetting to enjoy the process of learning and overcoming obstacles. Most important, he is losing sight of a skill he will need to become a true tzaddik. He starts to view this world from a point of view that once we accomplish the basic things needed from us, we can rest for we have achieved. In order to really get to high levels of Avoda, we must never feel these feelings of accomplishment, but rather constantly strive for more. We can always teach them by offering to show how something is done, and being real role-models. This will obviously take more emotional work and energy, but it will surely give better results. And who said that this had to be easy?


Let's try an activity, I will do it too... let's count how many times we tell our children "no" on a daily basis. Ill get back to you with a post once i have counted.