What is Love?

Here is an interesting video about love and relationships. We should all strive to reach this quality in our relationships with our spouse, children, and our love for Hashem and serving Him. Yesh Koach! By the way, Dr. Abraham Twerski has a great website with many interesting stories, books and media.

Parents Unite

We all know that an important factor in parenting is that both parents will be truly united, in the eyes of the child, and really. As I posted in my earlier blog, Yes vs. No, we can derive understanding of this from the creation of man. The most common misconception that is taught, especially to English speakers is that Hashem created Eve from the rib of Adam. But, really it is quite commonly known in Judaism that this is not so. Adam is a word that describes man and woman as a unit. I found a pretty thorough explanation of the Rambam in a very good blog that explains that "Adam and Eve were at first created as one being, having their backs united: they were then separated and one half was removed and brought before Adam as Eve. They were one being united, only later were they separated into the forms which today we see as man and woman.

The Zohar in Part I, 91b explains that man and woman share one soul. This is reenforced by the Jewish Chupah wedding ceremony. Once the groom and bride are engaged, we say the blessing Yozer HaAdam. We bless Hashem for creating Adam, or mankind.  On this day we are being truly created as a whole being. It is known also in the Zohar part III, 7b, 109b, and 296a that a woman or man alone is only half of a body. Therefore a male is not complete until the day he is married to a woman. Just when we are united with our counterparts can we really start to learn and progress in life, because we have been finally truly "born". Also, all of us who have been married know the difficulties of conforming to this new life which now involves two people and not just ourself. We must for the first time change to make another happy, we cannot flee from that which is uncomfortable or foreign to us. By understanding the real relationship between man and woman, we can comprehend the gravity of the impact which our marriage has on our children. It is crucial for the parents to strive to show their child what a true and healthy relationship between man and woman is.

Parents don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to be united. There is a big difference between the two. There are many kinds of disagreements that could be dealt with correctly for the positive sake of the child. I can't name every scenario, so if someone has one, please leave a comment and I will attempt to address it. Common differences can lead to some of the following…

1. Parents arguing (about any subject) in front of children
This situation causes our children to see openly that we are not working together or that we are not synchronized in our plans. It also causes them to doubt the authority of the parents because when they see that we don't agree with teach other it becomes a little tougher for them to trust us. They look up at both of us equally and us arguing too much in front of them causes them naturally to start taking sides, even if it is a little. It is very hard for a child to stay indifferent when he sees his parents arguing constantly. This shakes his reality that the parents are TOGETHER the very highest and holiest existence to look up to. The key here is to stay calm when disagreement arouses. It is ok to disagree, it's only natural. No matter how much there is a burning desire to solve the problem when it is hot, we must wait for a time when we don't cause damage. This way, it will also calm us down so when we do discuss it, our emotions will not be taking a hold of the situation.

2. When one parent decides something the other immediately undermines his/her decision
One of the most important aspects of the parent/child relationship is respect. When one parent/role-model says something and the other role-model undermines or disrespects this decision, it cause the child to loose faith and respect in his parents. He is also put at a position where he must choose who to believe. How can he believe in what his parent is saying when the other one doesn't. It shatters his belief system in the parent being undermined and also the one doing the undermining. This is because in order to establish a healthy relationship with the parents as one, it is critical that they respect each other. If one is disrespectinog the other, it may turn around to harm him if the child sides with the other parent. We don't want them to side with one of us, we want them to see us as a unity. This is solved by also staying calm, and having some faith in your spouse at the time when he/she makes a decision in front of the child. By disagreeing, you may cause more harm then letting happen what you think is wrong. Later, you can discuss the situation calmly, and find a solution that works for both. When you discuss the situation, you can decide how to act as a couple in this kind of case in the future. You can also ask the other parent to not make decisions in this particular field without prior discussion if you don't find a common ground.

3. Disrespect towards one another
Over all, disrespect towards one another in any aspect of life is negative. Parents have the role of showing children how to respect others. The first place this must occur is in the home with one another. Respect must be shown from all members of the family to one another. When there is disrespect in the home, there is no unity. Unity means that all  members of the family are acting as one team. Therefor, there is no place for disrespect if trying to achieve unity.

Torah Stories: HaRav Meir Shapiro

This is a story about the Rav Meir Shapiro when he was a child. I found it on Revach and I just copied and pasted it on here. Thanks Revach. 

Rav Meir Shapiro's Mother Cries, "Meir’el, Meir’el"

The Gaon, Rav Meir Shapiro, z’tl, the Rav of Lublin once told a childhood story about his mother.  “When I was a boy, my family was forced to move several times from house to house.  We also moved from city to city.  The constant moving did not disturb my mother’s equilibrium; only one thing would bother her – my bittul Torah!”“On one occasion, as we were again preparing to move, my mother had an idea.  She contacted the melamed of the town to which we were moving, and arranged that he would meet me by the gate of the city.  He would then be able to learn with me immediately when we arrived at the town.” “When we finally reached our destination, we searched and searched, but the melamed was not there.  My mother sat down next to the wagon and cried for a long time.  I tried to calm her down by saying, ‘Mommy, Mommy, why are you crying, I’ll learn tomorrow!’” “My mother answered, ‘Meir’el, Meir’el, You don’t yet know how to appreciate the meaning of bittul Torah of one day!”  (Chayim Sheyash Bahem) A great story of how jewish parents saw importance in Talmud Torah. With this kind of childhood, it is no surprise that the Rav Shapiro INVENTED THE DAF YOMI. For those who are not familiar, it is a cyclical system which unites all jews all over the world in learning the same page of Talmud everyday. It finishes the whole Bavli in a little more than 7 years

Micro to Macro

I do not remember the source of the following story but I do remember that it intrigued me quite a bit.

Two twins are in their mother's womb and are talking to one another right when they feel the birth is about to begin. One says to the other in fright, "that's it for us, our world is coming to an end! It's over! Here it was so nice, and warm. We always had nourishment, and there were never any dangers. And now death is coming, our life and world as we know it is coming to and end!" The other one reassures him, "do not be afraid brother, for I've heard differently. This is only the beginning, outside there is a whole other world! There is space, and trees, animals, sunsets, different foods and flavors to try, relationships with parents, and friends. We are going to a world much greater than this one!" The point of this parable is to show us how the world in which we live in is also just temporary and that there is a world to come, which is much greater than this one. And that which the second baby "heard" is our tradition and teachings of the Torah, which can guide us to look upon our present situation much broader than if we only had our own instincts and experiences. 

I used this story here, to convey a sense of how the world is new to a newborn child when he is born, and how his relationship with his parents is critical for everything to come in his life. He is presented with "parents" which are everything to him in the beginning. The baby is fully dependent on the parent for every action and has no ability of survival of his own. The parents are Mekayem (literally means keeping alive and giving life to the child all the time) the child every second of its life. Only through the effort of the parents will this soul be able to have a life of his own in the future. Who are these two figures which we call parents and what are they to the child? Like it is stated in parashas bereshis, " On the day that God created Adam, in the likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. He blessed them and called their name Adam on the day they were created ",  man and woman were created together and only later were they spilt into two parts. This is crucial for understanding of the child-parent relationship, because we can see that really both parents act like one entity. Any actions that either one of them take will effect the whole unity and dynamics of the relationship between all three. This aids us to understand that the two parents are in reality one being. So basically we have a child who has entered to a new world which seems to be governed by one entity, which is split up into two physical beings. Does this seem similar to anything? Yes! It is exactly the situation which we are in with our relationship with Hashem. We are in this world which He governs as a unity( Shema Israel Hashem Elokeynu Hashem Ehad), but to our eyes everything is split into many physical "things" or features (Ma rabu maasheha Hashem, culam bechochma asita). These two relationships are in a way very similar.  This is what I am trying to get at... the relationship which we form with our children from an early age, will be the foundation of his relationship with The Holy One Blessed Be He.

The parents also have different tasks and characteristics which make their fusion perfect. They each also represent a certain "characteristic" of Hashem. Man and woman, who where created as one, were created in the image of Hashem, as written in Bereshit 1, 26, " And we shall make Adam in our image like our likeness".  We see that the Elokim says plurally, "in our image" rather than a single image. This may allude to several things, one being that The Holy One Blessed be He, even though he is One and everything, has several ways of acting, or leaving his "image" in this world. We can learn this from simply studying the grammar of the Torah. Always when Elokim "says" or does something, it is written "And Elokim said" or "created" in singular form. This is so even thought the word Elokim literally means "many Kels or powers". In this case when discribing Himself, the Torah uses a plural form to state "our image". This basically explains that while in actions, Elokim is one and is acting upon the world as a total and complete unity, where everything is interconnected and carefully planned and woven together, He consists of many "powers" and forces for lack of better wording. To our eyes these may seem as different forces because we lack the abillity to understand the Creators actions, but truly the Creator is One. Just as Maimonides writes about the inability to understand the creator, in Hilchot Yesodei Hatorah 2.10, "and this is not withing the pwer of any man to comprehend clearly", man is inept for this. Therefor, we see that the creation of Adam alludes to a oneness of man and woman. This oneness is key for relationship between man, woman, and child. 


 There are two main names which the Torah uses for Hashem. There is Elokim and Hashem, the four letter name. We know that Elokim is a name pertaining to the sephira Gevurah and Hashem pertains to Chesed. Here is a quick explanation of the two sephiros. In the same way the man and woman both pertain mainly to one of these sefirot. The man to Chesed and woman to Gevura. Of course there are times when it is the other way around but mainly this is the situation. The same way that a child will not get the same treatment from both parents on a particular case, he will later not always get the same treatment from Hashem. There are times when in life we need to be taught a lesson and times when we are given a gift of kindness from the Creator. A healthy balance of the two aspects in parenting will prepare the child for a healthy relationship with Hashem and the world. Just as the Torah teaches us that the Creator shows Himself to us in different lights, but is really one, the same way it is important that the parents use different techniques in unity to teach the child how to approach Hashem. In the future of his life the child will realize that there is One who creates all, and oversees all, and with a healthy balance in his childhood will be able to create a real relationship. He will not be depressed when "life" throws him down, and will not be over exited at times of blessing. The child must learn to accept the fact that life is full of ups and downs. Like we are commanded to bless Hashem for the bad just as well as the good (Baruch Dayan Haemet), the child must learn to accept the truth of life's path. This will create a more mentally balanced child. The only way accomplish this is to, by the united relationship of the parents, present to the child that both characteristics and approaches of the parents are all part of a greater whole which is eternally united. The parents can only achieve this by truly being united with one another. Everything in the household depends on this as is said in Sota 17 by Rabbi Akiva, "Man and woman, they achieved, Shchina lies in between them, they didn't achieve, fire will eat them". The parents must be united to achieve shchina, or the harmony and presence of Hashem in the household. 

Basically, the parents must look at themselves as creators of the child's reality as pertains to spirituality and all things. Hopefully, based on this article, in another blog, I will address the importance of parents always appearing "together" in the eyes of the child, even when they disagree on something in particular. 

Thoughts of Chol: Yes vs. No

We are our children's best and only guides. That means we have a great influence on them, even when we are not trying to. We spend too much time teaching our kids that they don't know anything. Every time that we tell them "no" we are re enforcing the idea that they are not able. We also give the appearance as though we know everything. We teach them that they need to look for others for approval. By constantly using the word "no" what do we truly accomplish? Let's break it down and see how the mind of a child might work. He tries to do something which in his eyes is formidable and worthwhile and he role-model who he looks up to for support and guidance shoots him down with a hasty "no". He in return gets much more (or less actually) than what was intended. If the parent was trying to teach him a simple lesson like speaking with inside voices for example, he has done something else. The parent shot down the child's sense of self worth and his love for attempting tasks which he cannot yet do. The only way to learn anything in life is to attempt it, and when we fail, to try again. Children have this remarkable ability to try countless times without success. We should cherish this in them , and encourage them to continue this in every aspect of life. Adults are less capable of this. They many times lack this drive to learn new things by trial and error. Adults are much easier frustrated by their inability to accomplish tasks. This is because from a young age we are taught that success is what matters and no trying. When we get a bad grade in school, our parents our disappointed, and when its an A, they are thrilled. This tells us subconsciously that what is important is result. Not to say that accomplishment is unimportant, but tenacity, and the ability to fight inability is probably one of the most valuable skills in life. Adults are constantly looking to find themselves in a place where they are comfortable and do not need to learn anything new. Children on the other hand, still have the need to explore and the curiosity to try many new things. They are also not yet afraid of failure because only later will they be taught that failure is "bad". They will eventually be taught by the whole world that when they do something "wrong" the world is unhappy with them. 
  Of course, because children are much stronger, it will take many times to fully engrave this into his little mind, but with a habit it will eventually happen. Our way of teaching them is too negative and it forms their minds to not believe in themselves. Their mind is then formed in this way- " I don't know what is best for me and someone else does". So they spend their whole lives searching for this someone or something to tell them how to live and what to do, but it does not exist. They act according to what they think will make the world happy with them, and now what will make them truly happy. We must encourage our children everyday. We cannot put out this fire of will that they possess just because they were not born already knowing all the laws of this world. They have just arrived to this world and it is our job to greet them and show them their strengths. They are all special and all have power, we just need to stand aside (in certain cases) and let this power grow. By telling them "no" we also subconsciously tell them that they are wrong, and if they do like us then they will be right. Like I wrote below in an earlier post, there is no end to learning and development, and their tenacity is what will help them to achieve learning in later stages of life. If we shut this down, the child thinks that once he can do the "right" things he will please the parent, but really he is forgetting to please himself. He is forgetting to enjoy the process of learning and overcoming obstacles. Most important, he is losing sight of a skill he will need to become a true tzaddik. He starts to view this world from a point of view that once we accomplish the basic things needed from us, we can rest for we have achieved. In order to really get to high levels of Avoda, we must never feel these feelings of accomplishment, but rather constantly strive for more. We can always teach them by offering to show how something is done, and being real role-models. This will obviously take more emotional work and energy, but it will surely give better results. And who said that this had to be easy?


Let's try an activity, I will do it too... let's count how many times we tell our children "no" on a daily basis. Ill get back to you with a post once i have counted.

Krias Shema

The Krias Shema, which according to Deorayta is the only learning of Torah we are commanded to perform on a daily basis, speaks a few times of raising our children. It lists the things we must do in our lifetime to act accordingly and adds parenting as one of them. As far as I'm corcerened, parenting is the most underrated mitzvah in the Torah. If carried out correctly, it could have such great effects on this world. On the other hand, if it is treated without care, it could possibly destroy so much, including our lineage. We are commanded to read these verses two times a day, yet we pay little attention to the gravity of the matter. Sometimes we focus to much on our lives and less on our children. But the Torah would not have listed this here, or anywhere if it wasn't important. Why isn't there a Chasidut which their prime focus is raising children? Sounds funny, but a good question. Raising children is a difficult task, and the fruits are not always visible, but it ensures permanent dwelling in the land, as promised to our forefathers. 

The Krias Shema (click here to view it in english) warns us in its second paragraph "Pen ifte levavchem ve sartem veavadetem elohim acherim" ("Lest your hearts are lured away, and you stray and worship other gods"). It is warning us against letting our hearts control us, and take us to destruction. Our heart, the thing we are often told to trust, is actually portrayed here as something untrustworthy. 
After listing all the negatives that will happen ("For then the L-rd's wrath will flare up against you, and He will close the heavens so that there will be no rain and the earth will not yield its produce, and you will swiftly perish from the good land which the L-rd gives you) if we allow our hearts to lead us to idolatry, it gives us a way to make it right, and the reason we must do it ("place these words of Mine upon your heart and upon your soul, and bind them for a sign on your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, to speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise. And you shall inscribe them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates - so that your days and the days of your children may be prolonged on the land which the L-rd swore to your fathers to give to them for as long as the heavens are above the earth"). In the middle of telling us how we ourselves must behave the Torah tells us that we must teach our children the Torah. Why is this listed as a mitzvah in this particular place?  The reason is so that the nation of Israel can have an existence. 


In the second paragraph of the krias shema, the order is as follows... first we must "put them our our hearts, and tie them as a sign on our arms and as totafos between our eyes". This verse implies that this is the manner in we must behave in out lives. Then in goes to tell us to "teach them to our sons so that they will speak them while we sit at our homes and walk on our way and as we lie down and awake, and you shall write them on the mezuzos of your homes and our you gates". Here it is shown that after we have become what the Torah wants, we must teach our sons the same thing. Good parenting is a commandment from the Torah. We are commanded by the Torah to teach our kids to be like the Torah intends. This is also logical, because as we go through life, we are ruined by the ways of the world and slowly we drift from the ways of the Torah. We must therefor continuously learn and strive to improve. Children are new souls that have just arrived at this world and do not yet have influence from it. A parent who is teaching the child by the Torah has a chance to escape the influence of the world for a brief time. But, most importantly we must teach for generations to come, never stopping. The next verse gives reason for why we must do all the above. "so that your days and sons days will increase on the land which Hashem swore to your forefathers to give them like the days of the heavens upon the earth". We are given not only motivation for raising our children, but also motivation for acting according to the mitzvot. There is also a hint of the following, the reason for everything we do is so that eventually it will all transfer to our kids. If we act according to the Torah, Hashem can fulfill his promise to the Avos and keep us in the land of Israel. To make a long story short, all the existence and survival of the Jewish people depends on bettering ourselves and raising our kids even better.

Why should we look to the Torah for parenting?

Every parent who has thought about improving his parenting in any way has had the following struggle inside. It is the struggle between our inside nature and the logic which tells us that we need to improve. Should we just go according to what we feel is right, or should we fight our nature and learn to change our habits? Some part of us feels that "we know what's best" and we should stick to our feelings and let our senses guide us in this path of parenting. But then again, do we really know what is best? Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path? I will try to entertain some of these questions, but I will firstly say that I too am in no place to answer them. 

Do we really know what is best?

The RaMCHaL (very interesting life story) in his work "Messilas Yesharim" gives us a guide to follow in order to do what Hashem wants from us. He starts the introduction by stating..


"I have written this work not to teach men what they do not know, but to remind them of what they already know and is very evident to them, for you will find in most of my words only things which most people know, and concerning which they entertain no doubts. But to the extent that they are well known and their truths revealed to all, so is forgetfulness in relation to them extremely prevalent. It follows, then, that the benefit to be obtained from this work is not derived from a single reading; for it is possible that the reader will find that he has learned little after having read it that he did not know before. Its benefit is to be derived, rather, through review and persistent study, by which one is reminded of those things which, by nature, he is prone to forget and through which he is caused to take to heart the duty that he tends to overlook."

The RaMCHaL is telling us that we as humans are forgetful and that we are in need of a constant reminder. He is specifically talking about his work, that it must be read over and over to actually profit, and truly learn; but surely there is a general lesson in his words. A person who is well learned in a certain part of Torah must continue to learn over and over again the same thing. The Torah asks of us to constantly keep learning over and over again, even repeating the same things, as it is written in Pirkei Avot 3.10,  "Rabbi Dostai ben Yannai said in the name of Rabbi Meir: He who forgets one word of his study, Scripture regards him as though he was liable for his life". We must then constantly look to the Torah to bring us up and to enlighten us. We can never consider ourselves as though we have finished learning something, and that we have accomplished something. We can not expect that we will finish a task to its utter completion in this world. Like it is said in Pirkei Avos 1.3

 "Do not be like slaves who serve the master in order to obtain a reward. Rather, be like slaves who serve the master not to receive a reward. And let the fear of Heaven be upon you." 

We are in a constant battle and we must look somewhere for a guide. We learn Torah so that we can be enlightened and so that we can become closer to Hashem and doing what He wants of us. Therefor I conclude that we do not know what is best for us or our children, we must look into a guide in order to do things right, or better at least. If the Torah teaches us how to be better and grow, than we must look into it to teach us about parenting. We must not let our senses guide us in this formidable task. Our senses and feelings are most likely engraved in us from our experiences and childhood, and just because they "feel right" does not necessarily make them the right. So every time that we are frustrated, and our child is pushing all the right buttons, we should be careful how we react. 

 Who are our children and what is our responsibility towards them and Hashem in parenting? 

We normally have feelings of possession towards our children and this is normal. This are emotions that help us to sympathize with our kids, do our best around them and most importantly, protect them. But sometimes we get confused and forget the real importance of our mission. It is important to understand that our children are NOT our possessions! They are souls which Hashem has entrusted us with to raise and take care of them. Parents who have failed to understand this have troubles accepting when they children grow up and want to take paths different than what the parents intended for them. The understanding of this fact will allow us to do a better job and here is how. A parent who can let go of possession will have an easier time realizing that he does not have to raise the child to be a copy of him. When we know the child belongs to Hashem, then we have an obligation to look beyond our nature and to do what is needed for the child. 

This brings us to our responsibility towards them. We are now in a much more serious situation. Hashem has trusted in us, and blessed us with a SOUL to take care of. Will we just do what we feel like? Or will we take a second look and the Torah and see, maybe there is something that needs to be changed in both me and the child. 

Are we really the ones that are worthy of guiding a soul to its path?

The quick answer is YES WE ARE. The reason for that is because the child is here. The Creator has chosen to bless us with the particular child we have, and He surely has done so because we are perfect for the job. As long as we keep in mind that we are in a sacred mission, we have the right attitude to change. Once we have understood this, now we must make the effort to make a change. The RaMCHaL writes

" the fact that a man possesses the knowledge and the reasoning ability to save himself and to flee from the destruction of his soul, is it conceivable that he would willingly blind himself to his own salvation? There is certainly no degradation and foolishness worse than this. One who does this is lower than beasts and wild animals, whose nature it is to protect themselves, to flee and to run away from anything that seems to endanger them. One who walks this world without considering whether his way of life is good or bad is like a blind man walking along the seashore, who is in very great danger, and whose chances of being lost are far greater than those of his being saved. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one's eyes as an act of will and desire."

We cannot not let ourselves be like the beast which runs away from danger when it is scared. We must study ourselves and our situation and change.